A Modest Proposal

( a tale of kitchen-based effrontery )

In my preparations for coming to Japan, I had oft heard peculiar stories about foreign teachers being lured into Japanese households to drink tea and chat. The rumour mill seemed to think that there was usually an ulterior motive to such advances. Practicing English, for example.

Well, I'd like to add my own singular experience along these lines.

Recently, as I cycled home from school, I saw a solitary figure ahead, standing in the middle of the road. As I approached, the man waved his arms and cried "Stop!" Who was this mysterious highwayman? In a different country, I would perhaps have mown the bastard down, but this is Japan. I decided that it was time to leave behind my increasingly obselete western distrust of those I don't know personally. He looked affable enough and when he said "I think you want to see the inside of a Japanese house", I had to agree that I was curious. So off we went.

After a tour of the garden's various plant-life, and a brief introduction to the house cat, we retired to the kitchen for tea. The man's English was very good. He brewed some green tea and "nonchalantly" began to ask some progressively personal questions. This is verbatim:

Japanese Man: "How old are you?"
Me: "29"
Him: " Are you married?"
Me: "No"
Him: "hmm, that's interesting. Actually...."
Me: "Yes?"
Him: "Actually my daughter is not married either. She's 26. She's a bit fat, but many people say she is still pretty"
Me (horrified): "oh"
Him: "She will be here any moment. Wouldn't you like to be introduced?"

As my chest quietly convulsed, sure enough his daughter arrived. Luckily for me, she sized up the situation quickly. It occurred to me that he may have pulled this stunt before on some other hapless immigrant. So he sat us down at the table. Then he bailed out! For a frantic moment, I thought he had actually gone out, but he did return presently. After a thoroughly bashful conversation with the poor girl (in broken English and Japanese), we both made our excuses and I announced my departure. Out of nowhere, the guy's wife appeared with half a dozen chocolate bars, all for me. The guy then pressed a book into my hand; "Understanding the Japanese Mind". Presumably to gain an insight into his daughter (who wasn't fat at all, by the way)

I keep meaning to return the book....